In light of the last couple classes I’ve had this week I ended up getting pretty publicly vulnerable…which I’m not used to doing anymore, and it’s on zoom. So I’ve decided to not make my posts private anymore cause we are all human and we are allowed to feel feelings. I’m feeling deeply grateful for my cohort and all the support i’ve gotten this week, especially when i’ve been feeling pretty lonely from the pandemic.
As a preface, I went to theatre school for my undergrad, so while I am no stranger to crying in front of people…a lot. Theatre is emotional and collaborative and because 1) I don’t get a methods class and 2) working with a lot of people who don’t understand drama, i’ve been feeling a bit alienated. It feels scary when you want to come off as professional and having your stuff together, but at what cost. Emotional literacy is weird.
This project really has taken a lot of turns and I think it really comes down to acknowledging that health comes in many different forms. I’m really used to looking at health from a physical perspective because when you’re sick but you don’t look sick, you really spend a lot of time and effort making your physical health the priority to keep up the facade. I’ve gone through a lot of mental health stuff too but finding ways to cope has never been my strong suit. I internalize my stress and it comes out as physical symptoms and then I get hard on myself about why I can’t do a simple task or homework assignment when I’m not giving myself the proper outlets. This becomes a double-edged sword because I know I need to exercise and get out of the house but because I’ve made my brain work so hard that I can’t do anything else. I was hoping this project would help me not crack, but I did and that’s normal when faced with 6 online classes, during a pandemic where I have little social interaction, and I feel like my purpose has disappeared.
I’m feeling regenerated and feeling a bit more motivation after the outpour of love. I am currently crying as I write this but with happy tears and not stressed ones. Here’s a tiktok of a raccoon to brighten your day.